There Are No Words To Say Goodbye
by BonesBird
Summary: A mission goes wrong, and a young woman is left waiting at home for the news. P/T. Major tissue warning. No longer a oneshot.
1. Waiting

**Title: There Are No Words To Say Goodbye  
****Summary: A mission goes wrong, and a young woman is left waiting at home for the news. P/T, Miral POV. Major tissue warning.  
****Lyrics: I Hope You Meet Again - The Saw Doctors  
Disclaimer: I don't own Voyager, or it never would have ended.**

**OK. If I ever use this song for a fic, rest assured I'm killing someone off. Seems to be a theme, like so many of my stories, this again started for the Drabble Challenge on facebook but… well. My muse wouldn't leave it alone. So, as always when I write a character!death fic. Tissue warning is here. **

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_**Though he left without a single word  
**__**T'was better in the end  
**__**There are no words to say goodbye  
**__**I hope you'll meet again**_

The day was drawing to a close and the wind was picking up through the trees. She knew, looking up at the stars, she knew that whatever had happened, she would know soon enough. Her mother would tell her, when they got back to Earth. All she knew from Kathryn was that there had been an accident, and that her father was injured. The Admiral had known nothing more when she had pulled her out of class, nothing beyond that her father was injured, but her mother was OK. She had had to go and collect her brothers, to take them home. To wait for the news. But she knew where B'Elanna would go first.

Her heart was pounding as she waited in the grounds. Refusing to move. Knowing that would be where her mother would find her. Knowing that would be where the news was given to her. It was where they had imparted all important knowledge.

But somewhere in her heart, Miral already knew that her mother would not be bringing her good news. That this night would change everything. It would change the course of her life. She didn't know how she knew, but there was a soul-crushing knowledge that had settled around her heart when she had seen Kathryn's face.

Just the way her mother made her way up the path confirmed her thoughts. Neither of them needed to speak. Words would come later. Miral just opened her arms to her mother, and felt accepted back in B'Elanna's arms. Even now, at 19, she still felt safe when held by her mother, even as she felt the older woman's sobs, and quickly realised they were just joining her own.

There were no words either of them could say to fill the hole that had been torn from their lives. There was nothing they could say. Miral though back on the last words he had said to her, when they had left for the mission, that he was proud of her, that he wanted her to just do her best, and that nothing else would matter, and that he would see her soon. She was glad that she had those last memories to hold on to, because really, there was nothing that could make this easier.

She knew her mothers beliefs, that they would all see him again, in Sto'Vo'Kor, and she believed that. They would meet again one day, and she could tell him all she had done. To prove to him that he had been right, and to hear him say he loved her once again.

She had no idea how long they stood together, holding on to each other. They had the job of going home, of telling Owen and Joe what had happened, telling them that their father wouldn't be there. Of contacting everyone. As she looked to her mother, she wasn't sure how much B'Elanna would be able to do tonight.

"Mom, aunt Kath has the boys, she promised not to mention anything to them, my roommate is back on Andor for the shelth'reth, come and stay with me tonight" she started, pulling away so she could wipe her eyes, which were beginning to sting with the wind. The darkness had fallen, and the half moon hanging over the bay was casting a pall to suit the two women's mood.

"Miral I…" the older of the two started, and Miral just put a hand on her shoulder, stilling her and stopping the rest of the sentence from coming out.

"I'm not a child any more, mom, and you need to focus on you tonight, we can tell" she stuttered a moment, terrified of uttering the words aloud, afraid to make the situation more real. After a few seconds composing herself she continued "we can tell people about dad in the morning. Lets… just go and sit together and talk tonight"

"You're just like him, Mir." B'Elanna smiled, and Miral flushed with a sense of pride before taking her mothers hand and leading her away. "He always worried far more about how I dealt with something than thinking about the way he was dealing with it" Miral just kept walking, and listening to the stories. Stories she'd heard a million times before, but the stories she had to keep hold of now. So that she could tell others of who her father was.


	2. Coming Home

**Title: There Are No Words To Say Goodbye  
****Summary: A mission goes wrong, and a young woman is left waiting at home for the news. P/T. Major tissue warning.  
****Lyrics: Run - Snow Patrol**

**I have no idea why my muse kept come back to this fic over the last few hours. But she was determined to kill someone off or write a second chapter to this fic. So rather than write another fic where either PinkAngel, Jekkah or Alpha would tell me off for killing someone off, I thought I'd write another chapter to this one. Unlike the first chapter, this is all B'Elanna. I also want to shout out to Ilovetvalot. Even though she's not a Trek writer, I used something she said today as part of B'Elanna's dialogue. This is now a multi-shapter fic, just so you know.**

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_**Have heart my dear  
**__**We're bound to be afraid  
**__**Even if it's just for a few days  
**__**Making up for all this mess**_

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She allowed Miral to lead her away. She couldn't think. She couldn't focus. It was far too painful for her to even move. She felt like she had been crushed. Like every part of her ached.

She remembered it all, holding his hand right up until the last minute. Unable to do anything other than whisper his name, their children's names. Telling him that she missed him already. Hearing his little laugh for the very last time. Helping him record messages for the kids. For as they grew up without him. He had spoken of his fears. Had screamed her name when the medication had stopped dulling the pain. Had lapsed into silence when he got too tired to even scream.

All she'd been able to do was sit there and listen. She hadn't been able to comfort him. She had taken a moment to contact Kathryn directly. To ask her to care for the children, to ask her to tell Miral that Tom had been injured.

But her clever, beautiful little girl had already known. She had been waiting in the grounds of the academy. Where they had all come whenever there was bad news. She had beamed there first, expecting Kathryn. She didn't regret showing her daughter how much it pained her. How much losing Tom would affect them all.

She didn't realise where she was until Miral was pressing a cup into her hands and sitting on the bed opposite her. She was suddenly aware she'd been speaking. She didn't know what she'd been saying, or if she had been making any sense. She looked up, and met the eyes of her suddenly so much more grown up daughter.

"I'm going to miss him too, mom." Miral whispered, as she set her own mug on the floor, just returning her mothers gaze. All B'Elanna could see was the eyes. The piercing blue eyes that were just like her fathers'. She alone had inherited Tom's eyes. The same blue that had searched her soul for 20 years were looking at her again. Just embodied by a different person. "We all knew this could…" Miral trailed off, picking up the holoimage on her desk and holding it, before she looked up again. "Duty, you know".

"Kahless, Mir" B'Elanna stopped and reached across the small room, taking hold of Miral and pulling her close. Wrapping her arms around her. "I'm so sick of duty" she whispered into her daughters' hair, feeling the fear and distress in her. "Your father and I… we were both so bound to duty, but that sometimes meant leaving you alone"

"I'm not alone, I've never been alone." Miral sat up suddenly, giving her mother a hard look. B'Elanna had never appreciated exactly how similar to her father she was. B'Elanna opened her mouth to retort, but Miral quieted her. "When you and dad were on missions, we'd have aunt Kath, uncle Harry… Naomi, Icheb. We've never been alone."

B'Elanna pulled Miral close again. Too much taking her over now, seeing Tom's face flash in front of her eyes. She laid back on the bed that Miral had settled her in. Still with her daughter wrapped in her arms, and allowed herself to begin grieving.


	3. The First Breath

**Title: There Are No Words To Say Goodbye  
****Summary: A mission goes wrong, and a young woman is left waiting at home for the news. P/T. Major tissue warning.  
****Lyrics: Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World**

**Like I said before, this would be a multichap. Muchos love to the usual suspects, and to everyone who has reviewed this so far. You guys all rock my socks.**

**We're currently having a bit of a heatwave here in the UK, which is wonderful for writing out in the sun, but not so great for stopping your laptop overheating. Even my cooling pad isn't helping so much.**

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_**May angels lead you in  
**__**Hear you me, my friends  
**__**Up sleepless roads the sleepless go  
**__**May angels lead you in**_

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She turned the screen off and held her head in her hands. Her thoughts playing back the last few things B'Elanna had told her. _"There is nothing they can do Kathryn. By the time we're back on Earth, Tom will be gone". _Those were words that would haunt her through the night.

Her first concerns were Miral, Owen and Joe. Miral would know something was wrong the second she pulled her out of class. When they picked Owen up he would probably guess, but little Joe would hopefully be oblivious.

She knocked on the door of the room she knew Miral would be in, the cadets nearest the door all sat a little straighter, even as she stood behind the door. "I need a word with Cadet Paris" she said simply. Stepping away again, being joined only a second later by the confused Cadet.

"Admiral?"

"Mir…" she trailed off, not sure what to tell the teen. She thought back to the baby she'd held, only hours old, and compared her with the young woman in front of her. The young woman who was about to lose what was left of her innocence. "There's been an accident. Your father" she swallowed the lump in her throat that had formed, hoping it didn't come across as she spoke "He's been injured. We need to collect your brothers and wait for your mother."

Kathryn watched as the girl switched to autopilot. Following her through the corridors of the Academy. Kathryn herself took charge of signing Miral out of classes for the rest of the week. They collected Owen. He gained a similar look to his sister. Shock and surprise, and a healthy dose of fear. She smiled when Joe tried to cheer them up.

While they prepared dinner, Miral finally said the first words since leaving the Academy. She had the weight of the world on her shoulders, and there was nothing Kathryn could do without breaking the promise she had made to B'Elanna.

"Aunt Kath, I need to go and wait for mom. I know where she'll go first."

"Go, I'll be with the boys" She smiled, and watched her leave.

Trying to keep the boys spirits up was harder than she'd thought it would be. Even Joe had figured out that something was wrong. Asking for his parents, and by the time he fell asleep, exhausted from crying and asking for them. She was wrung out. Never sure how to deal with children, let alone a child as distraught as the seven year old had been.

Owen, by contrast, was almost silent. Sitting doing his homework in the corner. Watching a parrises squares match on the comnet before going and getting in the other bed in her guest room. Somehow she knew that B'Elanna and Miral would not be returning that night. She hoped that mother and daughter could find some solace in each other.

For the moment she was just to help her family, the closest children to her own that she'd ever have, and her closest friend. She didn't know how B'Elanna would cope with what had happened. Kathryn had watched their relationship flourish, from it's first faltering steps, to the moments that she had seen the depth of their bond. She had also seen B'Elanna's last reaction to the loss of people close to her. Watching her shut down and hurt herself. She couldn't allow her to do that again.

She had also lost a friend this night. So many people had. A member of their family. But so few would see the immediate fall out. The silence of his children. The tears on his daughters face, when she knew even before being told. The sound of B'Elanna's voice as she had told Kathryn there was nothing that could be done. She saw the breaking of this family, and although she knew she needed to be here. She suddenly wanted to be light-years away.


	4. The News Nobody Wants to Get

**Title: There Are No Words To Say Goodbye  
****Summary: A mission goes wrong, and a young woman is left waiting at home for the news. P/T. Major tissue warning.  
****Lyrics: Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me) - Simple Plan**

**OK. So. This was a hard chapter to write, but I kind of based it on the reactions of the kids I know to a loss. Particularly my little man Z. You're all getting this early, because Dax sent me such a lovely review and I thought this would be a nice way to thank her.**

**I think this is the shortest chapter. There is a minimum of one more chapter to go here, but there may be more if and when my muse decides to co-operate again.**

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_**How could this happen to me  
**__**I've made my mistakes  
**__**Got nowhere to run  
**__**The night goes on**_

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She had barely slept, curled up with Miral, but now she needed to see her boys. Miral had held her hand, right up to the door, just giving each other what small support she could. The moment they stepped though the door, Joe was up, running to his mother. "Mommy!"

"Hi, little man." she whispered, picking him up in a hug for a moment. Needing to feel him there. She put him down and ruffled his hair, smiling sadly as she spotted Owen on the other side of the room. Miral had moved around, stood talking quietly with Kathryn.

"Where's daddy?" Joe asked, pulling her fingers so her attention was back on him. She lead him over towards the sofa, patting the seat next to her.

"Hey, come and sit with me, you too Owen" she looked over at Kathryn and Miral, who both smiled a sad smile at her, giving her the strength she needed. She wrapped an arm around Joe, while Owen sat awkwardly next to her. He just looked at her with the same expression Miral had had. He didn't really need to hear it. He already knew.

"Mom. Dad's dead isn't he?" he asked quietly, when she just nodded to him, Joe pushed away and looked at her. She could see the pain, and the lack of understanding in his face. Miral and Owen were both old enough to know what their parents job entailed. Joe was little more than a baby. His lip began quivering, and she knew he was waiting for her to say it was a mistake. The longer the silence stretched, the less the little boy seemed to understand. She heard Miral sniff from the other side of the room, and felt Owen's shoulder's beside her.

"He can't be, he promised to take me to the holodeck when he got home!" Joe whimpered a few minutes later. She could almost feel everyone else in the room stiffen at Joe's outburst. The little boy looked around at his immediate family. "I want my daddy"

"Joe, daddy was" B'Elannawas cut off as Joe turned away from her. She went to stand as he ran to Miral, who just picked him up and shook her head to her mother.

"Hey, dude. Look at me a minute"

"Mir, where's daddy?"

"He's with grandma and grandpa and papa John in Sto'Vo'Kor." Joe's next words were too quiet for anyone but Miral to hear. B'Elanna watched as her eldest got a small smile on her face, and held her little brother tighter "That won't matter. Dad knows you're a good boy. Now, go back and sit with mom." Miral finished in a whisper B'Elanna couldn't hear. But next thing she knew, she had Joe wrapped around her.

As the little boy began to cry against her chest, she felt her own tears start again. She just buried her head in her sons hair. Holding him tightly. Wrapping her arms around Owen and Miral as they joined them. She tried to focus on what she had now, rather than what was missing.


	5. You're Not Alone

**Title: There Are No Words To Say Goodbye  
****Summary: A mission goes wrong, and a young woman is left waiting at home for the news. P/T. Major tissue warning.  
****Lyrics: Not Alone - Danny Jones**

**This chapter kinda got away from me. It was not going to be this long when I started writing it, but, this is how it came out. As always, much love to my amazing editor and friend PinkAngel. Because she always knows when I message her going "You're going to kill me, you're so going to kill me" that she needs tissues.**

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_**Life is getting harder day by day  
**__**And I don't know what to do, what to say  
**__**My mind is growing weak with every step I take  
**__**It's uncontrollable now they think I'm fake  
**__**But I'm not alone**_

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Kathryn pushed another mug into her hands, after making sure that James and Lucan knew to keep Miral company. B'Elanna knew the two boys would watch out for her. Now all she could do was stare at the picture she'd had in her hands since they'd gone to her apartment. She ran her fingers over the picture again, before Kathryn's words pulled her from he reverie. "How are you coping?"

"Coping, that's a word I've heard all too much. When Voyager got back, when my father died, when Joe was sick." she shook her head, trying not to let out a sarcastic laugh. She knew her old friend was just trying to make sure that she didn't shut down again.

Kathryn's chuckle broke the moment, and she looked up to see remind herself that she was speaking to someone who cared, someone who really wanted her to be alright, and someone who would miss Tom as well. She let out another chuckle before speaking. "Not well then?"

"I'm just focusing on the kids now. I'm worried Miral is trying to take on too much" B'Elanna had almost had to beg her to go out with her friends, two of Tom's flight students. She wanted Miral to process as much as she could. She wanted to join the service too, but she was now getting an unpleasant taste of what it truly felt like when the bad side of the service hit a family. She had been the only person Joe would allow to speak to him, she'd had to put him to bed and read him his story. The things Tom had always done with him.

"She wants to help" Kathryn almost whispered, defending the younger of the three women. "She knows you can't do it all alone. She's smart"

"She's 19" B'Elanna snapped before even thinking. When she was 19 she was alone, and she had sworn that she would never make the same mistake, that Miral would always have a home and a family. That none of her children would ever be left on their own in the galaxy. But how she'd been at 19 didn't mean she wanted her daughter to be forced to grow up that quickly.

"She's a cadet" Kathryn spoke more forcefully, as if trying to show B'Elanna the reasons that Miral was old enough to make the decisions for herself. Maybe she was, but she didn't want her making the decisions.

"She just lost her father" B'Elanna jumped to her feet and began pacing the living room. Remembering all the times that a scene like this had played out, and Tom would be sat in his chair, and after a few laps he'd reach up and pull her onto his lap, his way of calming her. Over their 20 years it had become one of their things. She wanted to scream, she wanted to yell, she wanted to throw things, she wanted to curl in a ball and she wanted to forget that she hurt.

And Kathryn just watched her. Let her get as much out of her system as she dared before she spoke again. B'Elanna was grateful of the few minutes she'd had to shore up her defences. "You just lost a husband"

"I don't think that…" she trailed off, and just looked at Kathryn, "I know. But" her legs suddenly felt like rubber, and she had to take a seat. She had to sit in his chair, just so she could feel closer to him one last time. Kathryn just watched her unsteady gait as she slid into the chair, waiting until she was sat before speaking again.

"No buts, B'Elanna, you need to heal too"

"It's only been" she looked at the chrono on the desk "39 hours" she sighed and leaned back against the chair, suddenly feeling too tired to even hold her own head up, she rolled her head so she was looking towards Kathryn, in the most comfortable way that she didn't have to sit up. She picked up her cup again, and clumsily took a sip of the fragrant tea she'd been given.

"Have you told his sisters?" Kathryn asked, moving slightly more into B'Elanna's current field of vision. Still sipping her cup. She assumed the Admiral was on coffee, but thinking about Tom's sisters almost made her want to start pacing again, if only she wasn't so tired.

"I contacted them on the way to Earth"

"And they didn't want to be here?"

"They'll come for the" she stopped, thinking. Saying some thing made the last two days far too real "They'll come for the funeral. Tom was always closer to our Voyager family when we got home. Too much had changed" she shook her head and remembered all the awkward reunions, all the forced conversations. Eventually, after Owen and Julia had both passed away, they had largely fallen out of contact.

"Have you told anyone else?"

"Mike Ayala, I saw him before I saw Miral yesterday. Susan Nicoletti. A few others"

"Harry?" Kathryn asked, even though B'Elanna was sure that she knew the Ireland was still out on the tri-boarder and more than likely under communications silence. As only a commander, she wouldn't have had the necessary clearance to get a message out. Both she and Tom had been offered captaincy's, but they had made the decision that until the children were grown, they'd try and stay on Earth, and only take the missions they were desperately needed on. She tried to stop herself thinking. Running away with whatever thought came into her head. She replayed the end of the last conversation in her mind before answering.

"He's still under comm silence"

"Chakotay?"

"I don't even know where to find him"

"I'll see if I can find out when Harry will be able to get messages." Kathryn smiled, and it felt like B'Elanna couldn't work the muscles in her face to return it. She finally pulled herself forward, taking another sip of the now tepid tea. Holding it more for the calming feeling that it was giving her.

"Thanks" she whispered when she finally gave up trying to smile. She looked to the floor until the intensity of Kathryn's gaze caused her to look up again.

"My concern is still you"

"I don't think it's really sunk in yet. I still keep sitting here expecting him to walk through the door and tell me about whatever holoprogramme he's working on, or something that one of his pilots said to him. Or ask what's for dinner and if Miral was joining us for it. Even though I know that won't happen. I'm still expecting it to"

"He's getting full honours?"

"Yeah, and a posthumous promotion to Captain"

"You should be proud"

"I am, just" she stopped herself before she began getting angry again. The letter she had woken up to from the Admiralty had made her angry. Thanking her for Tom's service. The same hollow platitudes that had angered Tom when his father had died. That had annoyed so many of their friends when they had gotten back from the Delta Quadrant.

"It doesn't seem like enough?" Kathryn finished her thought. All she could do was nod. Then all of a sudden, the anger flared again, and despite her fatigue she was up, pacing the room like a caged targ. Stalking around, trying to find something to stop her. Instead she turned back towards Kathryn, her arms wide. Questioning everything.

"It should have been a simple mission. 5 days. Then home and back to teaching."

"What actually happened"

"The Xerrilans weren't as accommodating as Starfleet hoped. They attacked the shuttle. Tom took the hit instead of the junior officers. They made it back to the Brittania in time for Tom to say goodbye, make some recordings for the kids, a few last words" she brought her hands together ahead of her again, the anger subsiding, the hopelessness and pain taking it's place. She almost craved for the anger again. It was easier to do something with that.

Kathryn came to stand behind her, and placed a hand on her shoulder, giving her a small measure of support, "He loved you"

"I know, that doesn't make this easier though." she inclined her head towards the holoimage of the rest of the senior staff from Voyager, all those years ago, that sat on the windowsill, looking out over the room. "and now I have to tell all of them"

"You won't be doing it alone" Kathryn pulled her closer, and wrapped her arms around her. B'Elanna let herself go. Let the tears come, before she pointed Kathryn in the direction of Miral's room, and headed to their room. She pulled one of Tom's shirts out of the pile of clothes that had been abandoned since before they left. His smell lingering on it. She used it to cover her face as she broke down into it.


End file.
